I wonder sometimes if it gets any easier with each passing year? Will I be sad? Will I think back to how it all happened? Will I think about what it was like for her? Will I wish for what could have been? Would she be paralyzed had she survived?
Then July 30th comes and I do still wonder all those things....I still pray for her sweet kids and hubby around the time that the accident occurred each year and every August 2nd I think back to sitting at her funeral, feeling hurt, sad, and trying to not be mad at God for not just taking her away from me, but for when He took her away. So close to my wedding......I still remember wondering if I could even get married in front of people without her up there with me, and without her singing, and not crying through the entire ceremony. I wanted her to be there so badly. I was in her wedding and she had to wait a long time to be in mine! I really felt cheated........
I still remember and pray and have my questions, Like Why? and Why did her young kids have to witness such an awful thing?...........but I am so thankful for ALL that God had done in my life through and since losing her.
Since He took her............I have learned how to really worship God, not just go to church and sing the songs of the morning routinely, but to sing them in worship and that is only because in the days following the accident....I couldn't pray to God even when I tried to call out to him because I started questioning him and getting angry with him. So I would just put in some worship and praise music and sing to him. It was amazing how through music and singing out to God, I could tell him that I loved him even though I couldn't when I prayed. Worship has never been the same since for me!
I have also learned to appreciate every day I have left on this earth.......I had already adopted the whole "Live Life To The Fullest" and had it on my license plate after my mentor died of cancer two years earlier......but I was single then.......living life to the fullest is SO different when you are single because I only had myself to think about even though I tried to always think of others but once married and then with kids....as much joy as both my hubby and kids have brought me.........there are those days that I just don't feel like cleaning up another mess, or hearing that my hubby has a conference call and isn't coming home on time to give me a break.....It is much harder to LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST THEN........but it is something that I am constantly reminded to do since seven years ago......
I have also learned that since I was reminded that time is so short and we never know if we have tomorrow left....... It was time for me to not be that christian woman that goes to church on Sunday and listens and maybe even takes notes, prays sometimes for others, but mainly for MYSELF and MY NEEDS, and opens my bible whenever it is convenient or I am motivated to do like on January 1st when it is resolution time and I want to go on the read the bible in a year program......but to really commit to spending time with God every single day no matter what is going on that day, so I can hear from God, and not just have him listen to me.
I have also learned to forgive. If the gal who thought it was OK to get behind the wheel that night driving on a suspended license.....had just called a cab......Doree would be here. And yet, being angry and bitter at her doesn't bother or hurt her, only me, so I have learned to forgive her and actually pray for her too, especially this time of year. She must live with incredible guilt and I still want her to have a good life, come to have a relationship with Jesus, and find grace and forgiveness! I didn't always feel this way at first, I wanted revenge and justice, but God brought me to feeling this way through prayer and changed my heart.
Another thing the events of seven years ago has taught me is to pray, really pray for other people and not just my own selfish needs, but to put others FIRST in prayer and to NEVER tell someone I will pray for them and not do it.
I learned that after I sent a quick email requesting prayer from my friends the night I found out Doree was killed and someone responded saying they would pray, yet I knew they weren't into praying. I am sure they thought they could comfort me by telling me they would pray for me.....That is when I started thinking of all the times I had told someone that I would pray and as sincere as my words were, I just never got around to praying for them because I forgot and didn't take my promise to pray seriously.
After July 30th of 2004, I made a pledge to never tell someone I would pray for them and not do it and thankfully, with my little accountability tips I have developed for myself to use, I have been able to keep that pledge and expand my prayer life to one of the most important things I do each day.
God in return has blessed me with an amazing intimacy in our relationship that I never want to lose, as well as the privilege of being the recipient of many answered prayers and seeing the answered prayers in the lives of my family, friends, acquaintances, even people I haven't met personally but have been told/ask to pray for them........This has blessed me because sometimes, they don't even have a clue that I am praying for them.
I have learned how powerful prayer really can be and it is nothing WE DO that makes it powerful, it is all God and that in itself just makes me want to pray more because it has just bonded our relationship as well as my relationships with others I pray for.
God has given me a sensitivity to the Holy Spirit that I had before......it just wasn't as strong as it is now. I guess maybe I didn't realize sometimes that it was the Holy Spirit leading me to do something good or putting someone on my mind to pray for them, I didn't give him the credit that I do now because I wasn't as close to Him!
Another thing I have learned is that a
girlfriend is easy to find, a good girlfriend can still be found but in fewer numbers......a great girlfriend is rarer to find yet, still possible.........But an amazing true best friend that accepts you just the way you are, allows you to be yourself and shows you grace when some is needed, wants the best for you, wants to make you look good even if it means she looks bad.
Someone who laughs with you and not at you, someone who doesn't talk about you behind your back at all, someone who learns with you and from you, cries with you, doesn't compete with you, acknowledges that you might have some strengths that she doesn't and instead of getting jealous of those strengths she simply admires them and learns from you and you do the same with her.
She confides in you and keeps your secrets safe, someone completely trust worthy and able to contain your most intimate thoughts and share them with no one. The friend that says "let's get together soon" and then actually calls you to plan something.
Someone who refuses to judge you, doesn't care if you aren't the perfect size 2 even though she may be....you can even confess to sneaking some chocolate and she doesn't judge you for it. Someone who truly is happy for you and the good things that happen in your life, she is happy for you even if it means you have something she doesn't have and wants.
She is someone who listens when you are going through those difficult times and allows you to completely be transparent and authentic and express your feelings knowing that you are angry or hurt and don't really mean half of the things you are saying at that moment........And most importantly, someone who prays for you and with you, is a true rarity.....and while I have a wonderful male best friend......(three guesses and the first two don't count who that might be?).......(hint- we have almost been married for seven years, and I think year 7 is the anniversary you get a diamond necklace according to my recollection from owning one of those pocket Hallmark Calendars years ago.....I may be wrong about that one since my mind is fuzzy...I guess we will just have to wait and see in November.....)
I have never been able to replace the loss of Doree by finding a true blue, amazing best friend just yet. (Applications are still being accepted and I always welcomed new friends into my life........but I do wonder if there will ever be another Doree in my life again? I must admit I do not think it is likely.
I truly have longed for one especially after becoming a mom! I think that is when I started missing Doree the most because I wanted so desperately to call her when I am having a bad moment, on a good day just because no matter what SHE WOULD MAKE ME LAUGH but of course, always gave me the credit for being the funny one and making her laugh. It was really her, she was just being humble!
I think the kinda best friend she was is a once in a life time friend......or at least extremely rare, but her example has made me strive to be a better friend to others.
The good thing though.......I may not have been able to replace my earthly best girlfriend but I have found a new best friend in my personal relationship with Jesus and I really do not think that would have happened had I not experienced the loss of Doree and experienced it when I did.
God didn't cause the accident but He didn't stop it, and He has allowed me to learn soooo much from it and molded me into a woman that loves to pray and wants to be totally committed to following His plan for my life. And I do not think that intimate relationship with Him would have happened if I hadn't loss her because I had a best friend so I didn't have a NEED to lean on Jesus or a need for Him to become my new best friend! I still miss Doree, but I know that I will see her again one day in heaven and am so thankful for the best friend I had in her and will always cherish those memories!
